Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in Xander's LiveJournal:

Friday, March 1st, 2002
10:09 pm	honestly, i would like to know why people are so paranoid? can someone please tell me the answer to that? i really dont understand. if you want to know something about what someone thinks, just ask them ok? its not that hard to do. dont go around assuming things. just wondering: was i supposed to be on that list? i dont know if i was supposed to be or not. can you tell me whether or not i should comment and say i love you and tell you to forget them, or be on the list of haters of you? i dont want to do either of them. i dont hate you, but if you keep saying people hate you, maybe in the end they will. you never know. i am also not going to comment and say i love you. its been said many times. sorry. anyway, end of the month i get my lisence. YIPEE. i cant wait. i cant wait to drive around in my bitching car. itll be great. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 21st, 2002
10:29 pm	CAR!! I BOUGHT A CAR!!! YAH!!! A GOLD 1999 MERCURY COUGAR!! ITS A FUCKING LITTLE SPORTS CAR!! YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 16th, 2002
11:30 pm	can someone tell me why people say that they are there, but in the end they are not? i dont understand it. why is this true? also, why are when people there, they never notice you blatantly staring at them and trying to tell them something, but they dont listen? why? Darrah, you and i gotta hang out a lot more. i am definatly going to call you this week. soon as i get my car, you and i are gonna go party. i dont know if you have my email address or or anything. its Vrq85@aol.com, email me sometime ok? talk to you later. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 4th, 2002
10:07 pm	As i recall, you did not tell me you could deal with my problems. You told me you did not want to talk to me. You told me that you wanted me to take my business else where and I was upseting you. That hurt me, by telling me that you didnt want to speak to me. You could have just come right out and said No, I can't help you. It's that simple. There needed not to be all the things you said. I did not push away help. I asked, you said I dont want to talk to you, and that to me is not help. But you know what, it's done with now. I am fine now, as far as I know, and I don't need your help and now I know that you are not one to go to for help. Thank you for helping me realize that. Oh wait! I guess you did help me in one way or another. No, I do not hate you. I am probably one of the only one's who's sticking up for you right now, and you deserve to be stuck up for. Go and do whatever it is you want ok? I am happy for you and I am proud of you ok? Forget them. Robin, you are the FUNNIEST girl in the entire world ok? I love you. You crack me up. You make work sooooo much more fun. I love the Russian one. And we both are great at the British one too. Lisa was cracking up. Next time it is just you and me and her, we really need to get her good ok? So long for now. Til next time! ~xander (Comment on this)
10:07 pm	As i recall you did not tell me you could deal with your problems. You told me you did not want to talk to me. You told me that you wanted me to take my business else where and I was upseting you. That hurt me, by telling me that you didnt want to speak to me. You could have just come right out and said No, I can't help you. It's that simple. There needed not to be all the things you said. I did not push away help. I asked, you said I dont want to talk to you, and that to me is not help. But you know what, it's done with now. I am fine now, as far as I know, and I don't need your help and now I know that you are not one to go to for help. Thank you for helping me realize that. Oh wait! I guess you did help me in one way or another. No, I do not hate you. I am probably one of the only one's who's sticking up for you right now, and you deserve to be stuck up for. Go and do whatever it is you want ok? I am happy for you and I am proud of you ok? Forget them. Robin, you are the FUNNIEST girl in the entire world ok? I love you. You crack me up. You make work sooooo much more fun. I love the Russian one. And we both are great at the British one too. Lisa was cracking up. Next time it is just you and me and her, we really need to get her good ok? So long for now. Til next time! ~xander (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
10:13 pm	yeah so defiantly was a weird day. i had school today, as usual. things were a little weird there. someone is trying WAY too hard to bemy friends when, DIR!! its not happening. Cant you see that? I am so happy for you. GO YOU!! how can you not see? oh my god are you blind? i am keeping with my new years resolution!! yippee!! i had a date tonite. with rich. it was good. i saw oceans 11. it was a good movie. the golden girls were sitting behing us. a group of old ladies were sitting behind us and they were sooooo funny. One of them said "Oh my. I want a pair of those shoes!" the shoes she was talking about were a pair of stiletto heels juila roberts was wearing. HAHAHAHAHA. so yeah anyway, thats enough for now. wow, i did two entries today. thats weird. hehehe ~xander P.S could you all please stop talking about her? it is soooo wrong and it happened so long ago who cares!!! she did nothing to you guys! shut up!! (Comment on this)
9:13 pm	Good day, other than: I am not GIVING you my problems. I asked for your help. If you didnt want to give your help to me you could have just told me so. You didnt need to go and say that I am upseting others and you and that you dont want to talk to me. Selfish? Do you know how hard it is for me to ask someone for their help? That is so not being selfish. Your sanity? Please. I was only disrespectful to you after you say things about me. You get what you give. Unloyal? Where the hell did that come from? I think your just a wee bit confused there hunny. Learn what it is that I really am ok? You want to be left alone and out of this? Fine, I dont care. But the way you put things greatly hurt me and now something is over that I dont think should have been over. My actions were never meant to hurt you or anything. I ASKED FOR HELP. You didnt have to help me. You could have just said No i cant give you help right now. Yes you are too being selfish. And you know what? I hope you go on to live a wonderful and happy selfish life. Go on to do whatever it is you want to do in your life ok? Just leave me out of it ok? I guess this is the end. It was nice being friends with you while it lasted. Goodbye. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 30th, 2001
11:41 pm	End..... I don't care. Does anyone? I really don't think so. So get the fuck over yourself ok? I have heard this all before and I dont need to hear it again. Get over it! It will never go back to the way it was. Do you understand that? We tried. It failed. We can try again but as along as you keep up with certain things, it will fail. Do you understand? It's over. No you are not. Don't you get that? There are plenty of other people out there with you that are the same way. Get over it! And while at that, get over yourself! Good for you. You deserve it. Don't let anyone ruin it ok? It's great. A friend I can turn to. What the fuck, you mother fucker? You have the nerve to pull this shit? Well guess what, you messed up piece of shit who can't make up their fucking mind, NO! I swear to fucking god, it won't happen. Yes, I want to. I want to soooooooo bad. You don't even understand it. I like. I think. I don't know. It's way too confusing right now and I don't think I can deal with it. The other day was cool. We had fun. It was good. It never was. It wasn't ruined like last time with someone. Like last time. AGHHHHHH!!! Why are you doing this to me?!? I can't take it anymore. I shouldn't be crying over something so stupid as this. It's bad for me. People tell me it is. A friend. That's good. We need. One day. I keep telling myself, one day. But, I know that it is not going to happen. Your too... you. You know? I just wish, I had never met you. I wish you had never come into my life. I was fine without you. I could live with myself without you, but NOOOOOO. You had to come waltzing in with the way you look and everything and guess what? I fucking fell for it, and I hate that. Go away. Please. Leave now. I can't deal with it. I don't think I can deal with this. Please don't call me that cause I am not. Too much at once. Please, all of it go away, please? Everyone and everything and everyplace, just leave. i get involved, I get hurt. I see all of you around so joyous, and happy, and..... I cry. I am hurting myself. You, from the car the other night, I.... I don't know. I am turning into that someone you don't want me to. I.....I don't want to be like that. I can't be like that. It's wrong. I want it to...............end. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 25th, 2001
11:57 pm	OG my FUCKING...... For all of you that know Mark take a look at this!!!! Mark is Mark5677: Mark5677: hey sexy Vrq85: hello Mark5677: how are you did you have a good day? Vrq85: i am fine and yes i did u? Mark5677: hehe i had a really good day Vrq85: thats good Mark5677: yep Vrq85: so whats up? Mark5677: not much you? Vrq85: same here Mark5677: god you know something we only went on one date Mark5677: hehe Vrq85: yes we did Mark5677: yep so what are we to do about that? Vrq85: umm... Mark5677: what???? Vrq85: i dont know Mark5677: well are you seeing anyone? Mark5677: im not Mark5677: not saying we have to go out Vrq85: no i am not Mark5677: but you know whati mean Vrq85: u want to have sex right? Mark5677: no i am way over that stage Vrq85: ok Mark5677: i mean it is nice, but remember we never did it before so we still could havea successful relationship Mark5677: i just think sex within a few dates is bad thats all Vrq85: yeah Vrq85: so what are u saying here? Mark5677: i dont know not asking you out, but maybe i am??? i dont know i just havent been out on a date in 3 months and no sex, harly jerking off either thats all Vrq85: so ur horny and u want to do something about that? Vrq85: ? Mark5677: no not that Mark5677: brb Vrq85: k Vrq85: u there? Mark5677: yea sorry Vrq85: ok Mark5677: well i wanna get off, but its all good, i have been able to control myself fairly well lately Mark5677: when i saw you slast week i wanted to leave with you and just have sex Vrq85: i thought so cause u kept starring at me Vrq85: but u didnt cause u didnt want to something like that right? Mark5677: i couldnt help myself Vrq85: oh Mark5677: right i am controling myself making myself suffer and be more grown up if i can help it i try to Vrq85: good Vrq85: can i tell u something? Mark5677: what Vrq85: do u know how much u hurt me when u told me u wanted to have an open relationship so u could have the possiblity of dating chris? Mark5677: i know and i was stupid and i should have never done that Vrq85: i hated u for that and then when chris and i were kinda like seeing each other but not exclusivly u slept with him and i was ripped about that one Mark5677: no he got me to sleep with him i didnt do it willing ly hun Mark5677: i wanted to do teh lab, and he started kissing me and i stoped him and said i didnt want to da anything Mark5677: i wanted to do the lab Mark5677: i made up excuses, and he just continude Vrq85: did u honestly like me? Mark5677: i ended up giving him what he wanted cause i just wanted to get the lab done, cause i didnt get the lab Mark5677: yes i did and i still do Mark5677: but i like you so much more now, cause i know more about you hun Vrq85: u still like me? Mark5677: hells yes Vrq85: alright but u do realize it could take some time right? Mark5677: what could a relationship i knwo taht Vrq85: yeah Vrq85: and i dont want something exclusive i want a friendship first and then maybe we can build off of that Mark5677: its kewl what are you doing tomorrow? Vrq85: i have to work at 4 Vrq85: u? Mark5677: well you drive right Vrq85: i have my permit i can only drive with someone ove the age of 18 in the car and i dont have my own car i get my lisence in march Mark5677: so do you know anyone 18 or older that is free tomorrow? Vrq85: no i dont cause they are all busy Mark5677: well you cant get a car??? Mark5677: :-( Vrq85: no i cant Vrq85: come visit me at work Mark5677: i cabnt no rides Vrq85: oh ok well i will try and work something i have to go now but i will email u later email me too ok? Mark5677: okay xander Vrq85: talk to u later mark Mark5677: love ya Vrq85: bye bye AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 16th, 2001
11:08 pm	Solitary......... i feel so alone in this world. yes i do have friends that i talk to at school and everything, but i dont hang out with them. all of them get together sometime over the weekends or something, they will have sleepovers or something and i cant go. i am alone in this world and i just need to get used to it. i dont have anyone that i am with all the time that u can talk to about anything and everything. again, that goes back to trust from previous journal entries, but still, I DONT HAVE ANYONE. Anyone i would, i could if its right, to lay right here with you. forever. something tells me its not. but i dont want to listen, at all. they are wrong. we are all alone. nobody knows, doesn't want to understand. its all us. we push away, and still push again. i am at fault. i cry at you. i cry at me. we all need to know, we cry with me and you, yet cry alone together. Lives will go on, yet leaving someone behind, will happen to everyone. And all us know, it hurts the most, when we know it happens to the best of us. We are all good. Amazing people, are hurt everyday, and cry with me. They need not cry with, for, at or near me. they need only cry alone. Together. As one, we work best together. To love alone hurts, and to love, together, hurts. Can we win? Learning Yourself? Do we actually know who we are? None of us truely realize the real person. Inside of ourselves. We come off with the effect of one person, but, feel a different way on the inside. On the inside we are someone. We hope we are someone. We want to be, that someone we want to be. You. We think we know who you are. Do we really know who you are? To them, you are the person to love and to hold. To yourself, you are the person to leave and disregard. Is that what you want to be? On the inside we are someone. We hope we are someone. We want to be, that someone we want to be. You. We love you, and want you. But you dont want that love and want. You need to figure out the on the inside, what you want, and who you are. Without that realizing, you are nothing and that is nothing. On the inside we are someone. We hope we are someone. We want to be, that someone we want to be. You. None of this will probably make any sense to any of u who read this but it makes sense to me and thats all that maters to me. I think. Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:19 am	Song. Flying Without Wings Everybody's looking for a something One thing that makes it all complete You'll find it in the strangest places Places you never knew it could be Some find it in the face of their children Some find it in their lover's eyes Who can deny the joy it brings When you've found that special thing You're flying without wings Some find it sharing every morning Some in their solitary lives You'll find it in the words of others A simple line can make you laugh or cry You'll find it in the deepest friendship The kind you cherish all your life And when you know how much that means You've found that special thing You're flying without wings So, impossible as it may seem You've got to fight for every dream Cos who's to know which one you let go Would have made you complete Well, for me it's waking up beside you To watch the sunrise on your face To know that I can say I love you In any given time or place It's little things that only I know Those are the things that make you mine And it's like flying without wings Cos you're my special thing I'm flying without wings And you're the place my life begins And you'll be where it ends I'm flying without wings And that's the joy you bring I'm flying without wings (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 10th, 2001
10:34 pm	Oy! (Part 2) hey guys guess what? yes thats right ladies and gentlemen, there is an Oy part two. bet u never thought u would live to see the day that that would happen right? huh? huh? i though so. so yeah i just got through crying for like 2 hours after listening and watching some of the happiest things and the sadest things i have ever seen. yeah they were on tv shows and i know all of u are gonna be like thats so gay or whatnot but eh, i dont really care. i cried so there. whatever. u know what has been pissing me off lately? two people that i know who are going out. they shouldnt be. i know thats wrong and i dont tell them that or anything, but it is just so wrong and i cant believe it ever happened. but oh well, it will only last like, no time ever, so it doesnt even matter whatsoever. lately, i have been getting a little closer to someone from my past and i dont know what to think of it. like, i know that this person likes me and stuff, and they even asked me to the dance but i said because it would be too weird. i know that it shouldnt be weird that we are friends and stuff but i just kinda feel incomfortable aroud this person and its weird. i dont know what to think of it. i know that i dont like this person, and nothing would ever happen EVER, and i know that i have made that clear to them, but i still think that they think that something will come out of this, but it wont. i swear. the person i have been in love with for, like, ever, now has a girlfriend, and he IM's me online and goes guess what? i have a girlfriend! i was like, AGHHHH, dont tell me that! do u want my depression to slip anymore? AGHHHH!!! i am so fustrated at that one! good lord! whitney, i love you and i want u to know that ok? and i agree with u totally with everything u have been telling me lately and i just want to let u know that ok? i love you. and yeah, to answer ur question that u asked in history today, i dont know, i just dont know. do u ever dream that u were in the best place in the world, and u were either alone or with all ur friends and stuff? i do all the time. i wish that i could just leave this place behind forever and be in the most fabulous place in the world or it doesnt ever have to be in the world. it can be ANYWHERE but HERE. i sometimes lay down at night and just wonder what it would be like to sleep. and sleep and sleep. and thats it. an eternal sleep. ya know? christmas this year is gonna be hell cause i dont know what to get anyone or anything like that. its too hard to shop for my friends and stuff. speaking of friends, i love it how they will just talk about something in front of u yet, not include u in it or tell u anything about what they are talking about, and just stand there right in front of u and continue to talk about it. that pisses me off. oh, and i dont care about not being in invited to certain things and what not but dont lie to me ok? just dont lie. be honest to me. life sucks. life needs to take a fucking chill pill and get out of here for a while. yeah i know that makes no sense whatsoever but i dont care. it makes sense to me and thats all that matters. life needs to leave. NOW. Current Mood: pissed off (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 5th, 2001
10:39 pm	Oy! Wow. it has been a long time since i have written anything in here. in the past like 3 months so much has happened to me. chris and i dont see each other anymore and he left me at a dance i took him too and i was pissed and then met charlie and we dated for a month. but that kinda lost something so we broke up but that wasnt the whole thing but we are not going to get into it. then i met this kid in attleboro and i really liked him but then i called him one day and he said he didnt know how much longer he was gonna be in the state so i dropped that. there is no point in that if he wont be here with me or anything. so i am single and hating it but i guess i just have to come to the conclusion that i am not going to meet someone for a long time if ever. i will end up going to dances and school activites alone without a date. i mean i am going to have a date but it will be a girl and it just wont be the same. the play went really really well. i was very happy with it. i am going to miss all the seniors especiallu Arianna. i love u ari!!! i am going to miss all of them so much. i am going to cry so much when its graduation day. but ari said that i can visit her at college and i can stay in her dorm some weekends and i can help her move in and stuff and it will be awesome. yippee!! i hate people. people u are supposed to trust ur life and secrets with u always let u down and then u ger ruined by it and thats not the way that things are supposed to go. i used to trust people. i think. now i dont and thats not good because it causes me stress and i get sick and thats not good. friends will do things to their friends and things will get ruined and it sucks my big left toe. its not supposed to be that way. yeah maybe i am trying to live a fairy tale life but who the fuck cares? its just not supposed to be that way. i have been spending more time with the person i have been in love with for almost 3 years and IT IS KILLING ME! i dont think i can stand it anymore. i always have to hold myself back from kissing them or grabbing them because it would be totally wrong and AHHHH i cant stand it. they even know that i like them but they dont know the extreme of it and i dont want them to but soon i am going to screw up and do something that will fuck up our friendship and i dont want that to happen. ever. i always see things in slow motion. i see people being so happy and just in love with life and i say gee i wish i could have that but it will never happen because i have too many problems. do any of u know that i dont eat because i think that i am fat? yeah go ahead and laugh at me and call me stupid and if u do then just shut the fuck up and never talk to me again ok? did any of u know that the reason i was absent for 2 days last year before christmas break was because i wanted to kill myself? did any of u know that i still get that feeling? did u know that that scares the shit out of me? i get dizzy spells and feel sick and i dont know why and i am too scared to tell people about anything. i didnt even want to say anything about this. all of u guys say that u care and that u want to help but i get the feeling that u are going to go behind my back and talk about how stupid i am and that is a trust issue on my part and an insecurity on my part which is stupid. and i also dont tell people because i feel that i am bothering them with my stupid problems that will just add to their problems if they have any, and i dont like that. also, did u know that i sometimes wish i wasnt gay? there are times that i want to be straight and to lead a "normal" life. brian once said to me " hey u chose this life. u chose the hard was" bull shit. i didnt choose this. i was made this way and i am still in the stages of accepting it.god i hate this. wow i went to this gay straight conference today and i met all these WICKED cool peeps that i love and they make me feel great. not that my friends here dont its just that i needed to meet some new people and i did and i liked it a lot. this one kid came up to me and asked me if i thought his friend was hott and i said yes he was but then the kid, paul, went back to his friend, pat, and told him that but then said that i didnt seemed interested. ???? of course i was interested. this guy is sooooooo hottttt. so we didnt talk at all at the conference. then just now as i am writing this huge long thing, pat emails me and he says "i think you're gorgeous and i wanted to slap your ass soooo bad, and i'd love to get to know ya betta" AHHHHH!!! isnt that great!!!???? finally something good is happening and i am soooo happy. yippee!!! Today drifts off into the past as tomorrow breaches the sky, but the past is all that i got, and the tomorrow is unknown. Thats such a beautiful quote that i read in a profile. i love it. So your standing on a ledge, It looks like you might fall. So far down, Or maybe you were thinking about jumping. Now you could have it all, If you learned a little patience! For though I cannot fly, I'm not content to crawl!... So give me a little credit, Have in me a little faith! I want to be with you forever, If tommorow's not too late!... But it's always too late when you've got nothing So you say!... But you should never let the sun set on tommorow, Before the sun rises today... IF I AM! Another waste of everything you dreamed of, I will let you down... IF I AM! Only here to watch as you suffer, I will let you down... So your walking on the edge, And you wait your turn to fall. But you're so far gone, That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you. And you could find the fault, In the heart that you've been handed! For though you cannot fly, You're not content to crawl!... But it's always too late when you've got nothing So you say!... But you should never let the sun set on tommorow, Before the sun rises today... IF I AM! Another waste of everything you dreamed of, I will let you down... IF I AM! Only here to as watch you suffer, I will let you down... So you're standing on a ledge, It looks like you might fall... IF I AM! Another waste of everything you dreamed of, I will let you down... IF I AM! Only here to as watch you suffer, I will let you down... The answers we find, Are never what we had in mind. So we make it up as we go along... I won't mention tommorow. And we won't make those promises that we can't keep... I will never leave you! I will never let you down! I will never leave you! I will never let you down! "If I Am" by Nine Days. this is how i feel right now. oh well. anyway, i gtg it is getting late. if u read this u do, if u dont u dont it doesnt matter, just.. i dont know whatever. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 17th, 2001
11:04 pm	another boring day in the neighborhood.... allo all. today i am wicked hyper.i dont know why i just am. anyway i had school today.it actually went by relativly fast. i had gym today. ewwwww. i hate gym! i kicked the ball today and i felt special. hehe. anyway WE HAD DRAMA TODAY!! i was so happy. i love drama. it is going to be sooooo much fun. I have been singing the once a year day song all day!! i kinda like that song. i also asked ms.hag how she was going to pick the two guys who were going to be in steamheat and she said that she was going to talk to the choreographer about it. she then said that she would put my name in for me. yay!! i am happy now. then i had to work. i had to put up the halloween candy up and all the signs for it. it actually wasnt that bad of a day at work. then i came home and now i am talking to peeps online. anyway, pretty unevenful day. i will be writing soooo much more tomorrow because, well u'll find out!!! Current Mood: hyper (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 15th, 2001
11:08 pm	cool day cool day today was actually a pretty cool day. it pretty much started out as the same old saturday morning shit. i went to work and felt like crap most of the day cause i think that i am getting sick, which sucks big ass. so yeah anyway, i worked from 9-4 with lisa tina and tiffany. all of them are really cool people. tiffany is one funny person. i love to listen to her complain about the customers. it is sooooo funny! lisa is really cool to because i talk to her about everything that is going on in my life. she knows everything about me and that is rare for that to happen. there is a lot of stuff that i dont tell people cause i dont want to but she basically knows all about me which is pretty cool. tina is this new girl at work. she used to work just in the pharmacy but now she is going to be working up front as well which is awesome cause she is wicked cool. she is 18 and graduated from the high school last year so i talk to her about stuff that goes on in school. so yeah thats cool. anyway, tinas boyfriend is selling his car so i am interested in that one and tiffany is selling her car so i am interested in that one too. so i have to go and check the two of them out. i get my permit next friday cause i turn 16 next friday!!! ya!!! i am sooooo happy! tiffany and i went out and got lunch at boston market. i love the food there, it is so good. oh my god guess what?? marl, my ex-boyfriend decides to call me at work today. lisa answered the phone and tried to warn me that it was him but i didnt catch on and when i said hello he was on the other end and i almost fainted. he has the nerve to call me up at my work and i asked him what he wanted and u know what he said???? he said "OH I JUST WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!!!" CAN YOU BELIEVE HE SAID THAT???? that is so sick!! god, and to call me up at work and ask me that. god, that is soooooo wrong!!! so anyway, after work we had a party at my house with friends from my tae kwon do. it was fun. estee came over after she got out of work and we sat and watched mtv til 11 and talked. it was the first time in a long time that we sat down and had a serious talk about anything we wanted. i really liked it. i missed not talking to her.yesterday was ok. i didnt do much. just sat around on my ass and talked online to peeps and listened to music. pretty cool day considering everything that happened this past week. i keep hearing songs on the radio about stuff that happened and it makes me so sad. i just found out today that a family friends boss was on one of the planes that crashed onto the world trade center. its so awful, all of this. i still cant believe any of this has happened.i wore my pin with the colors of the american flag. i wish there was something more that i could do to help but i dont know of anything yet. give me ideas!!! please!!! thank you!! Current Mood: energetic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 13th, 2001
11:10 pm	too much to talk about to have a title. hey guys. god so much has happened this week. i still cant believe that any of this has happened at all. the whole thing in new york and in washington is so horrible. it made me realize that the stuff that i have been bitching about was stupid. bitching about the whole thing with the play and how someone got a part and everyone being upset was just plan stupid. it is so insignificant compared to everything that has been going on. it was so stupid to even be angry over. oh and another thing. i think i just ruined a very good relationship between to very very close people. they are best friends and because of something that i said that could quite possibly be totally bogus. i cant believe it. i did something so awful it made people really upset. i hate that. i talked to one of them and she was pissed and everything and i cant believe it. i am soooooooo sorry about all of it. i am probably never going to talk to one or both of them ever again. what i did was horrible and i cant believe it. its awful. so many people are mad at me right now. everything was going fine over the summer and i like school a lot and now everything is going downhill. i cant stand myself, i hate the way i look, i hate the way that i act, i have a serious problem that i dont ever want to talk about, i am very insecure of who i am and how i act, i am constantly thinking about what people say about me, and i always think that what i am doing is wrong and i go along with what other people have to say cause i feel that i cant be different from them and yeah basically right now life sucks and oh my god here i go with all the stupid little insignificant things. none of these things even matter and they are not even that big of a deal and i cant believe i am even complaining about this when people are trapped under buildings and dying at it all so sad. this has been such a horrible week. i hate life right now. why does any of this have to happen? why? Current Mood: weird (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 11th, 2001
9:57 pm	OH MY GOD!! i cannot believe this day. it has been such a horrible day around here. first off, someone my friends and i are not fond of got something that they didnt deserve to get so that is seriously pissing me off. then, i walked into history class and there is my teacher, Mr.Smith, sitting down with blood shot eyes. he had been crying because of what has happened to america today. my class started to watch the news then, and i couldnt handle it. i broke down crying cause i know people that are in the world trade center and right near the pentagon. it was awful! people at school were crying and everything and there was nothing that we could do. i cannot believe that any of this is happening. it is just to awful to believe. i did though have a good talk with whit about stuff that has been going on with her and i like that. i have become the new natick high school counselor. everybody comes up to me and tells me about their problems and i get to help them out. i love the feeling that i can help other people out. i love it when people talk to me cause i love to listen to what other people have to say. i got a part in the play! my name is second helper! its like an extremely small part but who cares! i get listed in the program as something else other than chorus or ensemble. anyway i got to see my boyfriend today and i was very happy about that cause i really needed to see him. it was just one of those times when i needed a chris hug. anyway, i love all of you guys! dont u ever forget it ok? i love all of you! Current Mood: stressed (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 5th, 2001
9:22 am	Hey everybody! whats up? this is my first journal entry. dont have much to say. hope to write lots more stuff when the opportumity arises. usually i will talk about life and everything going on. today i had to mow a lawn and have a music lesson. pretty boring. cant wait to see my friends on sunday! bye! (Comment on this)